Steven Seagal: Punk-ass Crybaby


Steven Seagal, the squinty-eyed action star who rose to fame when a Hollywood bigwig made a bet that he could turn anyone into a movie star—even his aikido instructor—has fallen on hard times. The subject of a long-running FBI investigation, it has been alleged that Seagal had connections to the Mafia. In a recent LA Times article, Seagal says that the FBI is responsible for his career being in the toilet. “False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia. These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers—and kill careers,” is what Seagal had to say on the matter.

Sadly, Seagal forgot to mention the fact that he was terrible actor, and his movies, as a rule, sucked dirty baboon anus. Rather than bowing out gracefully and resigning himself to the world of direct-to-video films where his equally untalented brethren Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris now comfortably dwell, Seagal has chosen to whine about the fact he’s a has-been and blame it on the FBI.

Well, Steven, yours would not be the first life ruined by the FBI. But when I think of people that have been fucked over by the feds, you are not the first person that comes to mind. I think of Martin Luther King, Jr. Now there’s someone who was on the short end of the J Edgar Hoover’s stick. Or how about all of those innocent Americans who have been the victims of illegal surveillance over the years? Have you ever heard of Pine Ridge, South Dakota? Look at what the FBI did there, Mr. Seagal.

Sure, maybe you are innocent of the allegations leveled at you. But as sure as shit is stinky, you are guilty of making bad movies. So, consider what has happened to your career the scales of cinematic justice are finally balancing out.


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