Gonzales Resigns, Vick finds Jesus

gonzales.jpgIt’s hard to find the words to express my joy over the resignation of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but the fact that the news of his resigning gave me a partial boner should tell you something. (Gonzales is the stupid looking asshole on the left, right next to an even stupider looking shit-stain on the right.) For months I have diligently…no, make that obsessively followed the controversy surrounding Gonzales. The man is a joke. Perhaps the most pathetic and least funny of the ever-shrinking Bush administration—and that’s saying a whole lot. The Justice Department, under the guidance of Karl Rove…oops…I meant George Bush…oops…I meant Gonzales, quickly went in the toilet.

I could go on for hours about Gonzales, but I have already given that fuckhead enough of my time over the last eight months reading about his lame ass. If you want to know more about Gonzales, check out these articles on Slate and Counterpunch. Also check out this statement from the American Civil Liberties Union.

Right about now Bush has to be feeling like shit. Honestly, I’m almost inclined to feel sorry for him, except he’s a bad human being not worthy of compassion. Still, there is a certain contemptuous pity that comes from watching Bush, alone on the playing field now that most of his team has abandoned him.

Speaking of standing alone on the playing field and being abandoned by the team, Michael Vick officially plead guilty to federal charges related to his involvement in dogfighting. (How was that for a segue?) During a press conference earlier today, Vick apologized for…well…it was a bit unclear exactly what he was apologizing for, but he did say how sorry he was. Vick went on to say that he had found Jesus (who apparently has been lost), and that he had turned his life over to God (although he did not mention the money the Falcons are going to want him to turn over to them).

It is interesting that Vick mentioned Jesus and God during his apology, which almost sounded convincing until he evoked the Father and the Son. I say that it was interesting, because I spoke to God this morning—as I do frequently—and he said he could give a shit about Vick.

“Really, you don’t give a shit about Vick?” I asked God.

“Man, I got more important shit to deal with than that fool,” God told me. “I’m still sorting out that mess Bush has gotten himself into. See, that’s what you get for talking shit and claiming you have a good relationship with God. God don’t play around like that. You feel me?”

“Yeah, man I feel you for real,” I said.

We talked for a few more minutes about some other random shit, mostly he gave me advice about women, and then God asked me what I thought about Dick Cheney.

“Why are you asking?” I responded.

“I don’t like that motherfucker either,” said God. “I’m trying to decide if I should give him a heart attack now, or just wait until his fat ass is outta office before I smoke him.”

“Don’t you mean smote?” I asked God.

“No, man, I ain’t gonna smote the motherfucker, I’m gonna smoke him,” said God.

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