Senator Larry Craig (and the Truth about Homosexuality)

craig.jpg Larry Craig is a fag. Now don’t get me wrong, because I don’t mean he’s a “fag” in the context of “Larry Craig is a homosexual.” I’m using the word “fag” within the context of how I’ve been using it since the term entered my vernacular when I was in the 4th grade, which is to say “Larry Craig is a jackass.” But since I’ve opened up that can of worms, I also think that Larry Craig is a homosexual, which means he is also a fag in the more traditional meaning ascribed to that word here in the United States.

For those of you not following the news, Craig is the Republican senator from Idaho who was recently arrested and pled guilty to charges of disorderly conduct in a men’s room at an airport in Minnesota. Craig, who is a staunch conservative and anti-homosexual fanatic, has for many years been the subject of rumors that claim he’s light in the loafers. But Craig has been steadfast in his denials of cock-gobbling and rump-wrangling, even though he pled guilty to the charges leveled at him after the airport arrest. After pleading guilty, Craig claimed that it was mistake, he was confused, and didn’t mean to admit guilt to anything. He’s pretty much performing the same song and dance now that he has resigned from office, only to say he wants his job back. While this back-and-forth indecision is more indicative of bisexuals, the whole song and dance routine Craig has been putting on is very gay in that we all know how much the queers love a good musical. Only a true drama queen could put on a performance this melodramatic.

My thoughts on Larry Craig are not that important compared to a much larger issue I feel needs to be addressed. Craig, however, serves as a great starting point to get this conversation going, so I’m going to use this pathetic, sniveling man who can’t admit that he likes the feeling of balls slapping his ass or bouncing off his chin to say what I have to say.

When Craig was arrested in the men’s room at the airport in Minnesota, it was as part of an undercover sting operation meant to bust gay guys looking to get some ass. These men would sit in the stalls, and use a combination of foot tapping and hand signals to indicate they were trying to get some action. This is what Craig was charged with doing, and this is what he pled guilty to. He claims it was all a misunderstanding.

Now, if I may digress for a moment…during my lifetime there have been more than a few occasions where I have had to use a public restroom, either to take a piss, or to drop the kids off at the pool. And in all of those times, I have never tapped my feet in any sort of way, nor have I responded to some other guy in the stall next to me tapping his feet (although I don’t think anyone has ever tapped their feet for me). Likewise, there has never been an instance where anyone has ever used hand signals under the stall—not even some deaf guy using sign language to ask for spare toilet paper. The first rule of the men’s room is that you never, in any way shape or form, make contact with another guy. If you are having a heart attack in the men’s room, you don’t ask another man to call an ambulance. Why? Because that shit is too close to being gay. Every heterosexual man knows that any form of communication with a man you don’t know in a men’s room is a sign of homosexuality, period. Even talking to your best friend from the safety of another stall can be considered too homo-ish in some circles. So, the fact that Craig says he made a mistake or it was some miscommunication, or whatever the hell he is saying, is bullshit, because men do not communicate with other men while going to bathroom unless they are looking to get some cock.

What disgusts me about Craig is not that he was looking to engage in some form of sexual activity with another man. It is the fact that he is denying it. I don’t care if two men want to fuck each other, that just means that there are two less guys to compete with as I try to score some poontang. And as far as gay marriage goes…I don’t give two shits, a rusty fuck or a good goddamn if two men want to get married, or two women for that matter. And gays adopting kids? I don’t care about that either. The fact of the matter is that I am as pro-homosexual as any pussy-loving straight man can be. But more important than that, I believe that homosexuality is the ultimate evolution of male efficiency, which in a weird way, Craig has helped prove to the world.

A lot of people I have talked to since this whole Craig story broke were shocked to find out about this foot tapping and hand signals in the bathroom thing. Maybe because I have friends who happen to be queer, I know about this shit. My friend Byron, who puts the flame in flaming homosexual, has told me more stuff about the gay lifestyle than I ever wanted to know. For instance, gay men have this whole sexual code thing that uses different colored bandanas to convey certain messages. If a queer guy walks into a gay club with a yellow bandana in his back left pocket, it means some freaky shit like he enjoys getting pissed on (or something like that). If he has the yellow bandana in his back right pocket, it means something else all together (probably that he likes to do the pissing). From what I have been told, for every color, and every possible pocket placement, there is a code for whatever your sexual desire may be—from fist-fucking to facials.

While all of this may be shocking or disgusting to some people—and make no mistake about it, while I have no problem with homosexuality, it still kinda grosses me out—this elaborate system speaks of something remarkable. Basically, gay men have created a language that does not rely upon speaking or writing to get the point across. The reason they have created this language—aside from the need to often be covert in an unaccepting world of homophobes—is because it is an efficient and easy way to communicate what they want. By its very design, the foot tapping, hand signals, and bandanas in the back pocket are all part of an elaborate form of communication designed by gay men to get the one thing all men—straight or queer—really want. And that is to get laid.

When you think about it, that shit is genius. Seriously, straight men wish that it was that easy. We could walk into a club, see a hot woman with a red bandana in her back left pocket, and we would know that she likes to do it from behind, bent over the bathroom sink, staring at herself in the mirror, while talking dirty in Portuguese. The problem is women would never agree to this form of communication. So, instead we need to ask them out, first for coffee, then for dinner, go on a few dates, talk about shit we don’t care about, and hope that after several weeks we might get some nookie. Gay men, on the other hand, walk into the club, see the bandana that matches their needs, and the next thing you know they’re butt-fucking to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Oh, if only life could be so simple for us straight guys.

For all the joys of having sex with women—and there are many joys—there is also a lot of ridiculous social rigamarole both sides have to put up with. There are two primary reasons for all of the social machinations and barriers that have been erected to keep straight people from getting’ it on. First, is this bizarre moral imperative that we subscribe to that makes many of us feel guilt for loving sex, when it is the best thing of all time. The second reason is that men want and need sex more than women.

There, I said it.

Now, let me explain.

I don’t know that much about biology or genetics or any of that shit. But I do know that every species on this planet that has more than one gender, is on the planet to do one thing and one thing only—propagate the species. This is true for all animals, including human beings. Sure, we may be able to go to outer space, and climb mountains, and invent incredible machines, and make senseless war, but the one biological imperative that all humans have is the need to mate, which is in turn part of the primordial survival mechanism that keeps the species going. Or, in terms everyone can easily understand, we are here to engage in sexual intercourse. But there is a major difference between men and women when it comes to sex, and this difference is a biological one that affects both genders differently. Okay, now before I get into this difference, let me just say that some of you—mostly women—will disagree with what I am about to break down, And while I respect your opinion, and your view that I’m a sexist pig, you need to know that I am right in what I’m about to say. No matter how angry it may make you, or how much it may go against whatever moral code by which you think all people should adhere. Plainly and simply, I am right.

Generally speaking, a man’s body creates millions of sperm per day. Each one of these sperm is capable of creating a human life by fertilizing the egg a woman’s body produces. What some women don’t understand is that each one of these millions of sperm that a man produces on a daily basis has its own voice, and all of these voices scream in the man’s brain simultaneously, “We want sex! We want sex! We want sex!” Seriously, on the most primitive level, that is what it is like to be a man—millions and millions of sperm driving you toward the one thing you are supposed to do to ensure the survival of the race, which is stick your penis in a vagina.

Now, I may have this number wrong, but I believe that most women are only capable of creating one egg per month. That amounts to one voice in a woman’s brain telling her, “I want sex!” From the most purely biological standpoint—a standpoint that goes back to the days when we were living in caves and dragging our knuckles on the ground—the desire to mate is not as strong in women as it is in men. This is evidenced even today, when many women experience biological changes after childbirth that make them no longer desire sex, whereas men still want to hump. Quite simply, it is because we are wired differently.

What we see when we study the homosexual man is the expression of male sexual desire unfettered. Sure, gay men prefer to have sex with other men, but their sex drive is not diminished by their homosexuality, merely liberated. Or at least it should be. But we live in a society where being gay is still viewed as some sort of sin or freakish behavior. And that’s where fags like Larry Craig come in. Bound and restricted by the archaic morals of a society steeped in hypocrisy, closeted queens like Craig make me sick. Clearly he speaks the unspoken language of the gays—tapping his feet merrily in men’s rooms—but yet he denies who and what he is; which is what makes him both a fag, as in a jerk, and a fag, as in someone who is into dick-sucking in public restrooms.

In some ways I almost feel sorry for Larry Craig. To deny who and what you are to the point in manifests itself in hatred and persecution of others like you…well that’s just plain fucked up. But the truth is that insomuch as homophobia and intolerance are societal ills, closeted, self-hating homos like Craig are a huge part of the problem. So as much as I want to feel sorry for his sorry ass, I really don’t give a shit about him. If he is suffering, he brought that shit upon himself the moment he decided to deny who he is. But that’s not really what I’m writing about.

What I am writing about is the beauty and positivity that homosexuality represents. I believe that gay men represent the evolution of male efficiency. They have stripped away all the unnecessary bullshit that hinders one of the most basic of all biological imperatives—the need to mate. Of course, the fact that aren’t really mating, but rather just plain fucking does present a bit of a conundrum from the propagating the species standpoint; but that’s another topic all together. Gay men should be commended, not just for their keen fashion sense, but for being able to do what all of us straight men wish we could do: finding more effective ways to get laid.


2 Responses to “Senator Larry Craig (and the Truth about Homosexuality)”

  1. L13 Says:

    all true
    so in effect you are jealous of gay men because of their promiscuity
    and the ease at which they get laid-minus all of the bullshit courting rituals us straight guys MUST adhere to.

    Historically many gay men do fuck like rabbits with thousands of partners in their lifetime ,shit is otta control..hence the huge amount of venereal diseases/aids in gay urban populations.

    The thing that pisses me off about a douchetard like craig is that he has been a staunch ANTI_HOMOSEXUAL ,and there in he has voted against gay marrige etc.
    Because of this I don’t feel sorry for him and I view him as a closted evil republican shitbag not unlike the cross dressing cointelpro inventing fag deluxe in denial that was j edgar[[penis vacum]hoover

  2. alsanto Says:

    Great Pic does he like animals too? heh heh

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