Colon Cancer and the Double Penetration

“We’re not sure what’s wrong with your stomach. It could be anything—something you’ve been eating, an ulcer. It could be colon cancer. We won’t know until we run some tests.”

Hardly reassuring or comforting, these aren’t the words you want to hear from your doctor. But that’s what I heard a little over a month ago when I went in to try and figure out what is wrong with me. The words “colon” and “cancer” ringed louder than all the others, but I tried really hard not to think about it. “No matter what the problem is,” I told myself, “I will deal with it. Until then, everything is everything.”

So, a few hours ago I got back from my double-penetration, the pair of tests that shoves one camera down your throat and another camera up your bunghole. Right now I’m still feeling a little out of sorts—a result of the drugs they gave me to make my oral/anal probing more pleasant. But don’t get me wrong, because as “fine” as the drugs are making me feel, I still feel like crap.

The good news is that I “probably” don’t have colon cancer. “Probably” is the sort of operative word doctors and lawyers use to give you a sense of comfort, while at the same time keeping the door open for the worse case scenario, should it actually arise. “You probably don’t have colon cancer, Mr. Walker, but let’s not completely close our minds to the possibility you do.” That’s not what they said exactly, but certainly what they meant.

In addition to “probably” not having cancer, I definitely don’t have an ulcer, but no one is sure if it was something I ate. Having lived in my body for as long as I have—and keep in mind that this is the longest residence I have ever maintained—I know there is something wrong with me. More specifically, I know there is something wrong with my stomach/digestive system. And it has been making my life very miserable for the last three or four months. Now all I can do is play the waiting game.

But for those of you that have been kind enough to check up on me, I am happy to tell you that I “probably” don’t have colon cancer.

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