T-Shirt of the Week: WEEK 19

tsotw-button-3b.jpgSome people believe you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. I believe you can tell more about a person by the t-shirts they have worn. This is the story of my life, as told by the t-shirts I have worn.

WEEK 19: This week I’m doing something a bit different with T-Shirt of the Week. As I’ve explained in weeks past, much to my embarrassment, there are many shirts in my massive collection that I have bought, but never worn (see WEEK 11). There are also the “shit shirts” (see WEEK 14), which were given to me, and have made it into the rotation. And then there are the “discards,” shirts that come to me one way or another that I never wear, and eventually wind up giving away to either friends or to the Goodwill. (Actually, I never give anything to the Goodwill, because I hate that organization; but that’s a story for another time. I actually give the “discards” to a place called Value Village.)

tsotw-week-19-tomb.jpgHaving worked as the lead film critic for a major alt-weekly newspaper for just under seven years, I was the recipient of many promotional t-shirts over the years. I can’t tell you how many of these damn things I’ve given away over the years, but it was in the dozens. My only regret is that I didn’t take pictures of all of them, simply to have a record for this column. Oh well.

There were two driving reasons behind my getting rid of all of those promotional t-shirts. First and foremost was that I either thought the movie sucked complete ass, or the design itself sucked. I’m not one to turn down a t-shirt for a movie I hate, if the design is cool. The other reason, which is really more to do with being practical, is that the shirts did not fit. You would be amazed at how many of the promotional shirts that went out were either Medium or Large. Have you ever seen a film critic? Most aren’t known for being slender—a direct result of sitting and watching movies for work.

Here are five discards that I recently stumbled across while cleaning out a closet. First we have a promo for Lara Croft, Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, the sequel to Tomb Raider. The first movie sucked. The second movie sucked. The shirt sucks, and it is too small. This is the sort of shirt I would never wear in public, for fear of people spitting on me. And if they did, i would deserve it.


Next we have a shirt promoting Dickie Roberts, an unfunny piece of shit starring David Spade. The only reason to keep this shirt around would be in case I ever ran out of toilet paper, and needed to wipe my ass with it. That’s how much I hated the movie.



Here we have a shirt for Matrix Reloaded. I didn’t much care for the movie, but the design isn’t totally sucky. Honestly, if the shirt was XL instead of Large, it might have been spared becoming a discard.

tsotw-week-19-biker.jpgThis shirt promoting Biker Boyz, starring Laurence Fishburne, never stood a chance of making it out of the discard pile. First of all, the film was pretty bad. Second, the shit is too small. But finally, look at this motherfucker…it’s piss yellow!!! I wouldn’t even wear this fucker as an undershirt. I have only owned two other t-shirts that were yellow. The first was an OP t-shirt, back when that shit was in style circa 1981. I remember my mom didn’t want to buy it for me. “Who the fuck pays $12 for a t-shirt?” was my mom’s reaction when I asked her to buy it for me. “But mom, it’s OP, all the kids are wearing OP.” The other was a Batman shirt, but it was 50/50 cotton-polyester blend, and it always felt weird.


Finally, we have a shirt that breaks my heart to get rid…Land of the Dead. I love the movie. I love the shirt. The shirt is a Medium. The last time I wore a Medium t-shirt was never. John Henry was born with a hammer in his hand, and David Walker was born wearing Large t-shirts (it was a painful delivery for my mother). Honestly, this t-shirt is not going to be discarded. I’m saving this one, and I’ll tell you why. Someday I will be going out with a wonderful woman, and she will appreciate films like George Romero’s classic zombie series. She will spend the night, and after a night of making sweet, sweaty love to the sounds of either Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Soundgarden’s Badmotorfinger, or a combination of all three, I will give her this shirt as a sign of my affection. And she will understand that this means more than giving her a ring, or some other frivolous jewelry. Since the shirt is a Medium, it might be a bit too big for her, but if it is too small, then she may need to start thinking about watching her weight (unless of course she is a buxotic, Russ Meyer-like vixen with huge funbags).


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