Stupid Sh*t & a Conversation with God

steve-king-iowa.jpgStupid shit. Stupid fuckin’ shit! Everywhere I go, stupid shit is there to greet me. I read the news, and I read stupid shit. I observe people going about their day, and I’m really watching stupid people do stupid shit. Everyday all day. And I’m not sure why I’m choosing to write about it at this moment, other than I feel like writing, and the only thing on my mind is stupid shit. So, with that said, let’s start with Iowa Senator Steve King.

Those of you that have been following the news, know that Republican Senator Steve King, of the wonderful state of Iowa, has been saying that if Barack Obama were to be elected President of the United States that “terrosrists will be dancing in the streets.” King’s reasoning is that Obama’s middle name is Hussein, and his father was a Muslim from Kenya. Does that seem like some stupid shit to anyone else?

from-hell-it-came.jpgUsing King’s logic, President Bush should be an environmentalist, because his name is that of a “low woody plant with spreading branches.” But we all know that Bush is far from anything resembling an environmentalist, or anything else that has concern for nature. And while we are on the topic, if anyone was dancing in the street when he was “elected,” it certainly wasn’t anyone who gives a shit about the environment. Planet-raping, natural resource-squandering, greedy capitalist pigs were all doing jigs in the street, but if plants, trees, shrubs and bushes could actually talk, they would be screaming, “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” In fact, if any form of plant life were capable, I’m sure they would rise up like Day of the Triffids or the Tobanga, the deadly tree monster from the classic From Hell It Came, just to pimp-slap Bush for using the name of their brethren, while simultaneously being an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about much of anything.

Of course, King’s logic does hold weight when it comes to Vice President Dick Cheney. His name is Dick…and…well…what more do I need to say?

Moving on to other stupid shit, I was at Popeye’s today—I know, the last thing I should be eating is fried chicken, but I was, so let’s leave it at that—when I heard the sort of stupid shit that made me want to stab someone. There was a woman and her daughter in line behind me, and the daughter was very excited to be eating at Popeye’s. Apparently, it had been several years since she last ate there—but judging by her rotundity, she had been eating other crappy food. Anyway, I overhear her saying to her mother, “I’m so happy to be eating at Popeye’s, the last time I ate here was when I was 11, and now I’m 16, which means it’s been three years. No…wait…that would be five years. Or is it three years? I’m not sure. I think its three years.” Meanwhile, her mother doesn’t say a word, because she’s too busy arguing with the girl behind the counter about how expensive the french fries are. I stopped listening when the daughter started talking about how she wanted to have twelve kids. Seriously. I’m not making this up.


Next, we have New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who is embroiled in a prostitution ring. This is a picture of Spitzer and his wife Silda (who of course is standing by her man). Now, what I want to point out is that even though she looks a bit upset ’cause her man is a whore-chasing jackass, for an older white woman, Silda is kinda/sorta fine. She’s got a little bit of that Jennifer Aniston thing going on, which is far from ugly, and I would certainly throw a hump into her on a cold night in Albany, New York—and believe me it gets cold there. So, Eliot, what’s the problem? You are a goofy-looking motherfucker, and the fact that you land a woman like Silda means you should be thankful for what you’ve got. So, unless she’s actual packing a penis, or simply not putting out, there’s no need for call girls. That’s just some stupid shit.

What really makes me sick about Spitzer is not only does he have a wife like Silda—meanwhile I can’t even get a date—but he’s got all that money to spend on pussy-for-hire. I can’t even afford a blow-job from a $25 crack ho’, and this sumbitch is dropping $5,000 on poontang. And let me tell you, even though I’m on a dry spell right now, I have had me some fine-ass women in my day who knew how to fuck and had pussies that tasted so good Kool Aid could have made a flavor of it ‘em, but none of it was worth $5,000. In fact, I can’t believe any sex is worth $5,000. But then, if I was to pay a woman that much money for sex, I would really be paying her for things like the right to forget her birthday, have her shut the hell up when I tell her to, and to not pester me about being a bad boyfriend.

Finally, the Vatican has updated the Seven Deadly Sins, which, in case you don’t know, are pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath and sloth. But earlier this week, the Vatican added seven more to the list—polluting, genetic engineering, obscene riches, taking drugs, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice. Of course, the Catholic church claims that these sins are based on the will of God (or something like that), because…you know…Catholics are so in touch with what God does and does not want. Still, I wanted to see what God’s feelings were about these new Seven Deadly Sins. So, I called God up, because that’s how I roll, and this is the conversation we had.

BAMF: God, I know you’re busy, but I just wanted to talk to you for a minute about these new Seven Deadly Sins.

GOD: What can I say? The Catholics like to do stuff like that. They think they’re really important. I usually don’t bother arguing with them. You ever try to argue anything with a Catholic? Talk about the sound of one hand clapping.

BAMF: Why seven more Deadly Sins? Is there some significance to the number seven?

GOD: Beats me. I’m God and I can’t figure out where they came up with seven. If they took time out to ask me, sheeeee-it, I’d have a list of at least 75 right off the top of my head. There’s so much stuff they left off the list, it’s pathetic.

BAMF: Such as?

GOD: The last season of Nip/Tuck. Cell phone calling plans. That little thing called the War on Terror.

BAMF: We could be here forever, so let’s just talk about the new stuff. Polluting?

GOD: Well duh!!! Funny thing about polluting, I think it was the Native Americans that spoke out against the raping of Mother Earth. Look where it got them. Now the Catholics are claiming you can go to Hell for it. Don’t you think someone could have told Dow Chemical about that, I don’t know, a few decades ago?

BAMF: Genetic engineering?

GOD: I don’t want to brag, but I did a pretty good job with everything I created. I wish I had done some things different, but hey, you live you learn. If anyone out there really thinks they can improve on my shit, let them have at it. It ain’t as easy as it looks. Frankly, I’d like to see someone fix some of my mistakes.

BAMF: Obscene riches?

GOD: Excuse me? What was that? I was watching all those churches counting their money, and didn’t hear the question.

BAMF: Taking drugs?

GOD: With or without a prescription? And do they consider weed a drug, because I’m going to be honest, I made marijuana, and the damn thing is a plant. A very versatile plant I might add. I don’t care if you smoke it, use at as an alternative to timber-based paper products, or make hemp toilet paper and wipe your ass with it. As far as drugs go, the only real sin is the way pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies have made a profit off of illness and misery. We’re still ironing out the details, but there will be a new level added to Hell very soon for the pharmaceuticals, insurance, and anyone who doesn’t support free health care for all.

BAMF: You’re kidding, right?

GOD: Do I sound like I’m kidding?

BAMF: No, you don’t. Moving on. Abortion?

GOD: Between you and me, I’m on the fence about this one. Women really do have a right to choose—that’s why I gave you motherfuckers a little thing I call “free will.” At the same time, I am against abortion as a form of birth control. Of course, the Catholics are against birth control, period—which is just plain dumb to me. I mean come on, I did design you guys to “be fruitful and multiply,” and I now see that the biological imperative I put in all of you might have been a bit too powerful—we all make mistakes. I guess my point is that I made you guys to basically do four things—eat, shit, fuck and die. The problem is I made the whole fucking thing feel so good that some of you can’t stop doing it, and at the same time, some of you aren’t fit to be parents. It really is all my fault. That’s why I support safe sex, birth control, and a solid sex education program in the schools.

BAMF: Pedophilia?

GOD: This is what I like to call ironic. I mean it’s no big secret that Catholic priests have turned the molestation of children into a rite of passage, and the church itself has been nothing but hypocrites in the way they deal with it. Bottom line, you do some nasty-ass shit like that to a child, I don’t care how much you repent or ask for forgiveness, you are going to Hell. Me and Lucifer, we don’t agree on much, but when it comes to child molesters, man, me and him are on the same page all the way.

BAMF: What page is that?

GOD: Oh, man, they’ve got these demons down there with these cocks that are about the size of telephone pole, and they are wrapped with flaming barbed wire, and these demons ass-fuck child molesters for all eternity, while Michael Bolton songs blast over the stereo. You should hear those child-raping fuckers scream—it’s like a bunch of Puerto Rican teenage girls at a Menudo concert, only not in a happy way. I guess that might not have been a good comparison. But you know what I mean.

BAMF: Social injustice?

GOD: You mean like the way the Catholic church turned a blind eye when Hitler was gassing Jews? Is that the kind of social injustice you’re talking about? Or better yet, how about some priest molesting little kids and then getting away with it? Or are we talking about shit less severe? Like the way some theaters won’t show NC-17 movies? Or the way gangsta rap has become popular, making a lot of white record executives rich, while at the same time making black people look like a bunch of dumb niggers with no self-respect? Or maybe you are just talking about how high gas prices are, while oil companies report record profits, and those dumb-ass Republican motherfuckers don’t want to cut tax breaks for the oil companies? I mean come on…who the fuck determines what is and is not social injustice? The Catholics? I don’t want to knock them, ‘cause some of ‘em are really good people. Mother Teresa—she’s my home girl. And Marty Scorsese…I mean I finally had to do something about him not getting an Oscar. But with all due respect, I’m not sure the Vatican has its shit together enough—what with dealing with all those kiddie-fucking priests—to really say what social injustice is. I mean, until the Pope himself grabs an AK-47 and decides to personally spring Leonard Peltier from prison, everything else is just a bunch of fucking lip service.

BAMF: All good points. Thanks for your time.

GOD: Hey man, anything for you. And like I always tell you, don’t take no shit from nobody—that’s coming from me, the G to the O to the D!!!


One Response to “Stupid Sh*t & a Conversation with God”

  1. D-nice Says:

    $5000? Shiiiitt, Jordan paid his wife $168M. Speilberg,$100M, for the first wife. Maybe I am wrong equating marriage to prostitution but hell that’s what you are paying..if you rich!!!
    Spizter probably got tired of hitting his wife…Jennifer Aniston look-a-like? Did Brad Pitt leave Aniston for A. Jolie? Some women placed to high of a market value on their cooch.Figure in the wining and dining, bitchin’, holiday gifts, etc. half of them ain’t worth a $100?

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