Defending John Edwards (and Talking with God)

Okay…seriously, there’s no way I’m going to defend John Edwards. That was just a catchy headline to trick you into reading this. And look…it worked.

John Edwards, the North Carolina senator, former vice presidential candidate, and up until earlier this year, one of the front runners for the Democratic nomination for president, has admitted to having affair. I’m sure you’ve read all about this by now, so it really isn’t anything new. We all know how his wife Elizabeth, who campaigned tirelessly for him, had cancer while he was throwing a hump into some other woman. And of course, anyone who supported Edwards in any way shape or form shutters at the thought of what would have happened had he actually become the frontrunner for president. But what is interesting is that as of yet, I haven’t read anything in which Edwards has asked God for forgiveness. Usually, when a politician fucks up this bad, one of the first things they do is ask God to forgive them for their foolish mistake. With that in mind, I decided to give God a call, in part because it had been a while since we’d touched base, but also because I wanted to get the Almighty’s take on Edwards.

DW: Hey, God, how you doing?

GOD: Busy with the same old shit.

DW: You catch any of the Olympics so far?

GOD: Is it that time already? You know I ain’t got time for the Olympics. Bernie Mac just showed up this morning, and him and Richard Pryor, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce are getting into all kinds of shit—those fools are throwing a big party tonight.

DW: Really?

GOD: Yeah man, it’s going to be crazy. Redd Foxx is going to be the master of ceremonies, and LaWanda Page is performing. She comes out with that dildo that she wears under her dress. That shit cracks me up. You should come by.

DW: Thanks, but I’m not quite ready.

GOD: No worries. There’s always a party here.

DW: One of the main reasons I called was because of this whole thing with John Edwards. He’s admitted to having an affair, and I have yet to see him publicly come out and say that he’s asked you for forgiveness.

GOD: Good. I’m glad he hasn’t asked for forgiveness.

DW: Why’s that?

GOD: The motherfucker cheated on his wife, and if that wasn’t bad enough, she had cancer while he was doing it. Do you think for one god damn second I gave that woman cancer just so her fuckin’ husband could cheat on her? Do you?!?! I was testing that motherfucker and he failed! Failed I tell you!!!

DW: You’re saying you gave Elizabeth Edwards cancer?

GOD: Look, don’t take that tone of voice with me. You know that’s the shit I do. I give people cancer. I cause earthquakes and shit like that. But everything is a test. Like when I made that last girlfriend of yours act all crazy and break up with you for no real reason.

DW: That was you testing me?

GOD: Man, don’t you know that a person can’t be as crazy as she was, unless I have something to do with it?

DW: She kind of fucked me up, man. Why would you test me like that?

GOD: Because I wanted to make you a better person. Believe me; you’re better off without that scandalous dingbat. Besides, you just went out the other night with someone who has a lot of potential. You know I got your back.

DW: Even though I never pray and publicly say I don’t believe in you?

GOD: Which is why I have your back. You’re not one of these motherfuckers who is constantly asking me for shit—like John Edwards. He prayed all the time. Always asking me for things. His wife gets cancer, and he prays that I help cure her. Then he screws some other broad. I tested him to see what his character was truly like, and he blew it.

DW: So, if he asked for forgiveness, you wouldn’t give it to him?

GOD: What do you think?

DW: They say you forgive everything.

GOD: Yeah, well there’s a lot of folks in Hell, burning for all eternity, because they thought I would forgive everything.

DW: Like who?

GOD: You know, there’s this whole confidentiality thing we have to deal with, but let’s just say that there’s a whole lot of people who thought they’d be here tonight, partying with me and Bernie Mac and Gandhi, and instead they’re sitting around in Hell, waiting for Dick Cheney to show up.

DW: So, Dick Cheney is going to Hell?

God: I’m not saying…I’m just saying.

DW: What about George W? You gotta tell me if he’s going to Hell?

GOD: Man, you know I can’t divulge shit like that.

DW: Just this once?

GOD: Well, a lot of it depends on a few things. I haven’t decided when his time is up just yet. If I decide to punch his card in the next few years, then I’ll send him straight to Hell. But if I decide to let him live a long life, in which he will have to live with the knowledge of what a fuckin’ retard he was, and how bad he screwed everything up, then that might be punishment enough.

DW: Really? You really think that he could ever live long enough to be tormented by his own incompetence and stupidity to such a degree that it would redeem him?

GOD: You know what? You’re absolutely right. I’ll be sending him straight to Hell. He will have plenty to do there with the others.

DW: What others? Other presidents? Is Nixon in Hell? What about Reagan?

GOD: Why do ask me shit like this? You know I’ll get into trouble. If I can’t keep up my end of the confidentiality agreement…well…then you’re all fucked.

DW: True. Very true. Well, I want to thank you for your time.

GOD: It’s always a pleasure. And man, please don’t be upset with me about that last break up. I know it hurt in the moment, but you have to believe me, if I didn’t step in when I did, you would have been praying to me on a regular basis to save you from her tired, worthless ass. She would have driven you crazy with her irrational behavior, illogical demands, and most important, her own self hatred would have infected you the way it has infected all the others in her life.

DW: Wow. I can’t believe you would even make a person as monumentally screwed up as her.

GOD: I don’t make them screwed up. I just test them. They screw themselves up. Kinda like John Edwards. Man, he had potential. What a dumb-ass motherfucker he turned out to be. He let a lot of people down. But I want everyone to know that there is still hope. That’s why I’ve sent you Barack Obama.

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One Response to “Defending John Edwards (and Talking with God)”

  1. erika Says:

    In reality, it’s pretty damn common for a married man to have an affair at midlife, and is seems also very common for such to occur when a man is, yes, being tested by family stresses, kids growing up, facing mortality, in a position of power, etc etc.

    This is not to say that I don’t consider infidelity to a vow of monogamy to be a failure, because I do. It’s just that it’s a very human failure, and I think that we make a mistake by not allowing our leaders to be human. It is an unfortunate truth that the American public is likely to be far less forgiving (of something that is arguably none of their damn business) than Edwards’ wife and family.

    Barack Obama is also a human being, and he may well be a morally and spiritually stronger human being and MAN than Edwards, and I am very happy that he has won the nomination. No one is perfect, but I do not think this kind of skeleton is apt to drop out of closet.

    Truth usually comes out, one way or another.

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