Mother Nature Tricks GOP

Fearing a repeat of Hurricane Katrina, which made a lot of people look incompetent when the city of New Orleans was wiped off the face of the planet, the Republican Convention was scaled back as Hurricane Gustav made its way towards the Gulf Coast. In some ways it was noble that the Republicans put the people first, and decided that the convention was not as important as the potential damage Gustav threatened to bring. But the truth is that the GOP—and I should make clear that subtle though it may be, there is a difference between the GOP and Republicans—was really hoping for a repeat of Katrina. If Gustav had brought down destruction on a Biblical level, then the GOP could have been there to save the day, and hope to redeem themselves for the clusterfuck that was their inept handling of Katrina. Make no mistake, the GOP saw Gustav as an opportunity to make themselves look caring and kind, but it would have only come if Gustav really tore shit up. And that makes the GOP a sick group of opportunists, who used a potential disaster to make themselves seem more human.

As of this writing, Gustav has been relatively kind to New Orleans, and it looks like the damage will be minimal. This got me to thinking that perhaps Mother Nature planned Gustav as a way to make the GOP look foolish. Although she doesn’t like to talk about these things, she did agree to answer a few questions.

DAVID WALKER: Thanks for talking to me, I know you’re busy with hurricane season.

MOTHER NATURE: Well, when God called and told me you wanted to talk, I figured it must be important.

DW: I’m just wondering if you whipped this whole thing with Hurricane Gustav together to make the GOP look foolish.

MN: Why sweetheart, whatever do you mean?

DW: I mean the GOP made a big show of curtailing their convention, to be there when Gustav hit the Gulf Coast with all its might, and then it wasn’t so bad. The way I see it, if Gustav had really messed things up, then the GOP would have looked good, but it wasn’t that bad, and now they look like opportunists. Did you plan it that way?

MN: That wouldn’t be very nice of me to do that. You’re suggesting that I would do one thing, hoping the GOP would react a certain way, and then change my perceived plan just so they could look bad?

DW: Okay, look, Mother Nature, I don’t want to come across as sexist, buy you are a woman, and that’s the sort of thing some women do.

MN: Maybe you’ve been dating the wrong women.

DW: You don’t know the half of it.

MN: Sweetheart, I know you want to think that I planned Gustav so the GOP could look silly, but how could I possibly benefit from that?

DW: Well, for one thing, the GOP doesn’t seem to be as concerned with things like the environment or renewable resources. Sarah Palin…

MN: You mean the one running for vice president?

DW: Yeah, her.

MN: I hear her 17 year-old daughter is pregnant.

DW: That’s what I hear too…

MN: Sweetheart, that is just straight up scandalous. Don’t they screen candidates for little boo-boos like that?

DW: You would think so. Anyway, Palin is in favor of drilling for oil in a wildlife reserve. And you know, she doesn’t care about them polar bears.

MN: I read that.

DW: And while not all Republicans are like her, I think she does represent much of the GOP, which doesn’t give two shits or a rusty fuck about anything that you do—pardon my French.

MN: Sweetie, I know you want to think that I made Gustav to make the GOP look stupid. But believe me, those fools don’t need me to do that. The fact of the matter is that I knew from the beginning that Gustav wasn’t going to be that tough on the Gulf Coast states, that’s how I always planned it. Now, if the GOP wanted to assume that it would be worse than it was, that’s their problem—just like they assumed Katrina wouldn’t be as bad as it was. Besides, I’m more direct in my approach.

DW: What do you mean?

MN: I mean if I really wanted to mess with the GOP, I would set a tornado down in the middle of the convention this week, just as that moron McCain was accepting the nomination.

DW: You could do that?

MN: Look, God sent me a memo, asking that I keep my involvement in this election to a minimum. He doesn’t get in my business too much, which is why we get along.

DW: So, let me get this straight: God sent you a memo asking you not to drop a tornado on the Republican Convention? Does that mean you were thinking about doing it?

MN: What I think about doing and what I do are two completely different things. I don’t like the GOP—pretty much everyone knows that. Every day I think about opening a sink hole under Dick Cheney’s feet, and watching the ground swallow him up. But I have a policy of no direct involvement.

DW: So, you don’t like Dick Cheney either?

MN: He’s a fucking asshole. Pardon my French.


One Response to “Mother Nature Tricks GOP”

  1. L13 Says:

    halarious-well done badazz!!!!!!
    now ask god about palin’s daughter’s pregnancy

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