dvd review: INSIDE MOVES

Some films, mediocre though they may be, are fortunate enough to be ordained as “classics,” and go on to live in a world of cinematic immortality where they are remembered forever. Other films, often times much better films, aren’t always as fortunate. Sure, they may be far superior to the movies that never seem to leave the collective memory of audiences, but for one reason or another they aren’t remembered in the same way. Worse, some aren’t even remembered at all. But the faulty memory and illiteracy of the collective movie going population should never be used as a barometer of whether or not a film is good. Case in point: Inside Moves.

dvd review: PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

The problem with most stoner movies is that they are only entertaining to either really young people who have never been stoned and are easily amused, or someone who is completely stoned and are also easily amused. Rare indeed is the stoner film that one does not have to be or have been stoned to truly appreciate. And while I’m sure that getting high before watching Pineapple Express may make it more enjoyable to some people, those of us who simply get really paranoid after smoking weed, can enjoy the film with our minds free and clear.

Darius Goes West – KNOW ABOUT IT!!!

dvd review: THE ENFORCER

The latest release from Dragon Dynasty features a pivotal film in the impressive career of martial arts superstar Jet Li. Already a huge star in Asia when The Enforcer was originally released in 1995 as My Father the Hero, Li was best known for his period films like the classic Once Upon a Time in China and Fong Sai-Yuk series. His first contemporary action film was 1994’s popular The Bodyguard from Beijing, which established Li as a versatile star who could carry himself in both historical kung fu epics, as well as modern-day action thrillers. Following the success of The Bodyguard from Beijing, Jet Li reteamed with director Corey Yuen for The Enforcer, resulting in an incredible showcase of martial arts action.

Seriously…We're in trouble!!!

Everyone thinks that I’m joking (or that I’m crazy), but the ape uprising has already begun. First there were the monkeys in China that issued a beatdown on the guy who was forcing them to perform stupid tricks. And now comes Travis, the chimpanzee who went berserk in Stamford, Connecticut, and was gunned down by police (read about it here). I’m telling you, it’s straight out of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, and it’s only a matter of time before the simians take over.

dvd review: YETI

At some point you would think that I might learn my lesson, and stop watching these crappy releases in the “Maneater” collection. But as of yet, I haven’t stopped—in part because I’m an idiot and also in part because of my ridiculous fascination with bad movies. So, there I am, looking at the case for Yeti, with some poor sap screaming in terror as he’s being dragged through blood-soaked snow by some hairy monster, and I’m thinking, “This probably sucks. But I wonder how bad it sucks.”

The Devil's Tool

Just in case you were wondering what a pawn of Satan looks like, here’s one of the Devil’s Tools.

The Time My Car Was Fire Bombed

Back in 1992 my car was fire bombed. Seriously. To this day, I don’t know for sure who did it, or why. My guess is that this chick I knew lied to her boyfriend and said that she was messing around with me, and that he set fire to my car in a jealous rage. People that I know who knew the chick and her boyfriend all agree that that is a very likely scenario. Here are two pictures I dug up of me and the car. I was much thinner back then and had hair.

dvd review: A HERO AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A SANDWICH

Alice Childress’ novel A Hero Ain’t Nothin’ But a Sandwich came out when I was a kid, but because it wasn’t a comic book, I never bothered to read it. But I do recall that the novel raised quite a stink when it came out, and that some of my teachers told me and my classmates that it was an unacceptable book for us to read. Knowing that some of my teachers didn’t approve of the book made me almost want to read it, but like I said, at that point in my life I was on a literary diet of nothing but comic books.

dvd review: NITE TALES

When you sit down to watch a horror film, as most horror fans will tell you, it helps to keep your expectations incredibly low. As sad as that may sound, it’s the truth. And the reason for keeping expectations low is because there are so many horror films out there that suck. Some suck worst than others, and some don’t completely suck, but when push comes to shove, an overwhelming number of horror movies suck. Part of the problem is that a lot of these film confuse things like gore, people screaming, and pale women spastically walking while a thunder storm rages on outside to be sufficiently terrifying. And that’s just not the case; because if it were, Nite Tales would be a much better movie than it is.