dvd review: YETI

yeti

At some point you would think that I might learn my lesson, and stop watching these crappy releases in the “Maneater” collection. But as of yet, I haven’t stopped—in part because I’m an idiot and also in part because of my ridiculous fascination with bad movies. So, there I am, looking at the case for Yeti, with some poor sap screaming in terror as he’s being dragged through blood-soaked snow by some hairy monster, and I’m thinking, “This probably sucks. But I wonder how bad it sucks.”

Originally produced for the Sci-Fi Channel, Yeti is about as bad as you would expect based on its pedigree (and maybe just a little bit worse). The fun begins with a plane flying over the Tibetan Himalayas that’s carrying an American college football team to a special game in Japan. Now, what I’m wondering is exactly where in the United States the plane is coming from that it is flying over the Himalayas to get to Japan. Seriously. Just look at a map of the world. Anyway, the plane crashes in the Himalayas, which look surprisingly like a very big hill in Vancouver, B.C. With many of the passengers and all of the crew dead, the survivors must figure out how to stay alive. As they wrestle with the question of chowing down on their dead friends, some strange creature starts dragging the dead bodies off into the night. It seems…that’s right, you guessed it…that unsuspecting survivors have crashed within walking distance of a cave inhabited by a murderous and very hungry Abominable Snowman. Now, it’s important to note that this Snowman is indeed both hungry and murderous, because he seems to be killing just for the sake of killing. He also seems to be horny, as he kidnaps one of the female passengers, who may or may not have been a cheerleader. Keep in mind that by and large the Yeti really doesn’t show up until nearly an hour into this lamebrain bullshit, meaning much of the first two acts consists of the survivors moaning and groaning about how hungry they are, and how hungry they need to be before they resort to cannibalism.

While it comes as no surprise that Yeti is bad, it is surprising how unoriginal the whole thing is. The characters are all empty and one-dimensional, and devoid of anything that could ever be mistaken for well-developed. I mean come on…this is a movie where the villain is the guy who sneers the most and hides chocolate bars from his starving friends while simultaneously expounding on the virtues of being a cannibal (which is very good for unintentional laughs, in case you didn’t know).

In addition to suffering from a lame script, lifeless direction and acting one step removed from local community theater, Yeti also has terrible special effects. The monster is made up of bad rubber and wears more fake fur than a room full of cheap hookers. Seriously, this is one of the most fake things I’ve ever seen. Unless, of course, you take into consideration the CGI version of the monster, which looks even more fake, stupid and just plain bad compared to the fake fur and rubber version. Either way, the one thing Yeti could have had going for it doesn’t even work. And when you factor in that this crap was made for cable, you don’t even get decent gore effects. All in all, you’re simply stuck with a snow-covered turd.

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