I Had Swine Flu, and All I Got Was Sick

No one showed up at my place wearing hazmat suits with a huge “quarantine” sign to hang on the front door. In fact, it was nothing more than a phone call from the doctor who had treated me at the emergency room this past Monday. “Mr. Walker, the test results have come back, and you tested positive for H1N1 flu.”


In case some of you don’t fully grasp the meaning of what the doctor told me earlier today, let me break it down for you as simply as possible…I tested positive for Swine Flu. And just in case some of you still aren’t following…I have Swine Flu. Or more specifically, I had Swine Flu, but I’m probably over it by now. The fever is gone. I’m no longer coughing up huge green chunks of nastiness. Most important, the body aches are gone. I’m told that my case of H1N1 was mild. Can’t imagine what a severe case was like. All I know is that the fever cause nerve inflammation, which resulted in some of the most intense pain I recall having. That was the main reason I went to the emergency room after enduring a fever for three days. The pain was amazing. And not in the good way, where the endorphins in the body kick in, and you get kinda/sorta high. No, this shit just plain hurt. It was a bit like my relationship, in which I get nothing positive out of it, only pain and misery.

So that’s my story. I had Swine Flu. It’s not nearly as exciting as I would have hoped, but given time I will most likely embellish it—maybe talk about blood oozing from my eyes or something like that. For those of you that really care, I’m feeling much better now. And please, feel free to mention me in conversations: “My friend, David Walker, he had the Swine Flu. No, he didn’t go to Mexico or have sex with a pig, although he has dated some losers. No, he just got it from some guy he works with, who didn’t cover his mouth when he coughed. Yeah, you should check out his website, www.badazzmofo.com, or maybe buy one of his films on DVD, either Black Santa’s Revenge, or Damaged Goods. I mean you should do that even if he didn’t have Swine Flu, because he’s kind of cool.”

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