Talking to God About the Earthquake in Haiti

It’s been a while since I last had a conversation with God. He is busy, so I don’t bother him too often. But this earthquake in Haiti got me thinking. And then Pat Robertson’s stupid statements really got my blood boiling, and I wanted to clarify a few things. So, I got in touch with God, so I could ask him a few questions.

DW: First, of all, as always, thanks for taking the time to talk.
GOD: No problem. You don’t bother me too often, and you don’t ask me for anything specific, so I really don’t mind.

DW: I’ll get right to the point. Pat Robertson says the reason you made the earthquake in Haiti was because they had some deal with Satan.
GOD: Yeah, I heard about that. First of all, let me say that Pat Robertson is a cocksucker. Seriously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Never has and never will. He can go fuck himself.

DW: Did Satan have anything to do with the earthquake?
GOD: It’s like this, I gave up control of things like earthquakes and hurricanes right around the time I gave you guys free will. Mother Nature, she’s in charge of all that stuff, but I want to be careful to not lay this Haiti thing at her feet. She has this machine that regulates shit like earthquakes and hurricanes, and it’s all on this sort of random pattern.

DW: Random pattern?
GOD: You know, kinda like when you have your iPod on shuffle.

DW: So, the earthquake in Haiti wasn’t an intentional thing?
GOD: It wasn’t on my “To Do” list, if that’s what you mean. Like I said, I don’t roll that way.

DW: But if you’ve got the power, why do you let things like this happen in the first place?
GOD: Look, all I did was work with Mother Nature to create this machine that randomly makes hurricanes and earthquakes and volcanoes and shit like that. That’s just nature doing its thing. What I don’t do is build poorly constructed buildings, or have people live in inadequate conditions. Remember that earthquake in Turkey a few years back?

DW: Where all those buildings collapsed and tons of people died?
GOD: That’s the one. I didn’t kill those people. It was that greedy fucking contractor that built all those buildings and didn’t maintain any safety standards. Same thing with Hurricane Katrina. Is it my fault the levees broke? The point I’m making is that I gave you people free will. It means you make decisions on your own. The death toll in Haiti wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if the country had better infrastructure and was more industrialized. But I’m not the one who has created a sustained system of oppression and subjugation that kept Haiti as underdeveloped as it has been. I mean come one. Why the hell do so many people care about Haiti now? Most of the people donating money today didn’t give two shits about that country when it was just another poverty-ridden nation that could have used help in becoming more industrialized and self sufficient.

DW: So, we are the ones to blame for the massive death and destruction in Haiti?
GOD: Let me put it this way – right now there are millions of people starving to death in the world. And yet I have made it so there is enough food to feed all of them. There is enough land to make sure everyone has a home to live in. I have given you all the resources you need to make life comfortable for every man, woman and child on the planet. No one needs to be hungry. No one needs to be sick. No one needs to live in a motherfuckin’ box under a bridge. All it takes is for you as a people to say, “Let’s look out for each other.” But there’s no profit in that. So some of you chose to let others starve to death. Some of you chose to allow third world countries remain third world, so they can be exploited and oppressed. You choose to let you mothers and fathers die of cancer, and your sons and daughter die of AIDS, and nobody ever really stops to address the fact that it is you all making these decisions. I ain’t got shit to do with it.

DW: That’s some heavy shit, God.
GOD: I’m just tired. People been asking me how I could do this to Haiti. And like I said, I didn’t do it. All that bullshit that happened in New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina? I didn’t do it. That quote, unquote election in 2000 with George Bush? I didn’t do it! You fools let all that shit happen!!!

DW: Word. I appreciate the time.
GOD: Alright, man, I gotta split. You be cool now.


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