Thinking About Fathers on Father's Day

Is it possible to miss someone you don’t remember meeting? That’s what I think on days like today—Father’s Day. I think about my father, who I have no memories of, and wonder if it’s possible to miss him. I try not to spend too much time thinking about what my life might have been like if he lived, but some days I can’t keep my mind from wandering. What sort of man would I have grown into, had he been there, with a steady hand and words of wisdom? Would my life be better?
Like I said, I try not to spend too much time thinking about these things. Chasing after the shadows that you never grew up under hurts too much to do it on a regular basis. But on days like this it just kind of gnaws at your soul, eating away at your already hollow insides that have felt inexplicably empty for as long as you can remember. There is a hole in all of us that we spend our lives trying to fill with booze and dope and religion and sex and anything that distracts us from the things that makes us feel incomplete. And when you don’t have a dad around, that hole gets pretty big. And you feel at times like you’re drowning inside of yourself, only you don’t really know who you are, because you don’t know your father, and he is one half of what made you. And without him, you wonder how you can possibly ever be complete. And then you’re thankful that Father’s Day only comes once a year, because feeling this way too often is more than you can take, and it makes you want to hate a man that you don’t remember meeting, which makes you wonder if you can miss a man that don’t remember meeting, and on and on it goes.
For some people, Father’s Day is a celebration. For others it is a painful reminder of emptiness and feeling incomplete. And maybe for people like that, Father’s Day needs to be a day of forgiveness. For how can we hate our fathers without in some way hating ourselves?

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