Talking Dirty with Dr. No-Love

Dear Dr. No-Love, I just started dating this woman recently, and was pleasantly surprised when she had sex with me after only three dates. So far we have had sex four times, and while the sex is good, there is a potential problem—she likes to talk dirty. Honestly, I haven’t had that much sexual experience with women, and I’ve never had one who likes to talk dirty. I don’t know how to respond, if I should respond, or how to even broach the subject. What should I do?

First of all, congratulations on getting laid. You should be eternally thankfully that some woman invited you into her flaming pit of desire. And honestly, look at that as the good news, my friend, because when push comes to shove, talking dirty is one of those tricky situations that can easily turn into a no-win situation.

Talking dirty during sex is a problematic affair, because how you respond to what your partner is saying can make all the difference in the world. Remember that episode of Seinfeld, where Jerry has a girlfriend who talks dirty, and when he responds she gets all freaked out? Well, sorry to say, stuff like that actually happens in real life.

Personally, I’m not a big fan of talking dirty during sex. I had a girlfriend who talked like a drunken sailor in a swearing contest during the sweet, sweet act of boning, and it was all I could do to keep from laughing. Of course, the fact that she talked about me in the third person only made things funnier to me. She would say things like, “I love it when David Walker f***s my p***y with his c**k,” and I would have to fight to keep from laughing. To me, the whole thing was so ridiculous that any attempt on my part to respond would have wrecked my concentration and ended with me laughing in her face (or behind her back, depending on the position we were in).

Of course, no response at all to dirty talk can be seen by your partner as a lack of interest or desire, whereas saying the wrong thing can throw a monkey wrench into an otherwise fun hobby. Realizing this, I have established simple rules for talking dirty during sex. First, and most important, is never really responding to either questions or declarations.

Maybe your partner is fond of giving orders by saying things like, “F**k the s**t outta me, you dirty m*****f****r.” In that case, your best bet is to respond simply by saying, “Like this?”

Or perhaps your partner says some really crazy nonsense like, “I love it when you f**k me like a cheap hooker you don’t want to pay.” And if that’s the case, then you can always respond with an effective, “Is that right?”

I know that both of these responses may seem too simple or even corny, but believe me, they work. I’ve used both of phrase countless times—along with responses such as “uh huh,” “okay,” “is this what you mean?”—and believe me when I sat that all help make it seem like you’re engaged in the conversation, without really having to be invested in what’s being said.

Now, if for some reason you feel like you have to participate in the dialog a bit more actively, or maybe you find yourself so caught up in the throws of a sexual frenzy that you have to say something, keep Dr. No-Loves Second Law of Dirty Talk in mind: remember to think before you speak. I suggest that you come up with a series of catch phrases that you can put into some semblance of rotation so that they don’t seem rehearsed. Personally, I’m fond of quoting songs by Rick James or doing my impersonation of Bootsy Collins during sex, both of whom provide me with something playful to say that feels right in the moment, without being overly lewd of profane. And if you can figure out how to say something in a foreign language, that is always a good thing. “T’est qu’une sale pute qui se met des chiennes et du chat dans le cul,” sounds much cooler in French.

Overall, the most important thing I can tell you is that talking dirty is just like any other form of communication, and you must be careful in how you respond. Saying the wrong thing or responding in the wrong way can lead to unwanted consequences—like not having sex anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable, unless you’re a heterosexual man, in which case you should just do whatever you think will make her happy, which is often the exact opposite of what you would say or do. And always keep in mind, if you are a heterosexual man, that the only winning we ever do in this battle of the sexes is getting laid, period. To ask for more—a woman who doesn’t swear like your alcoholic uncle or someone who doesn’t want to cuddle all the damn time—is really being kind of greedy, and expecting more than any of us men should ever hope for.

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